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31186 As a dwarf/little person, I'm very grateful that I am neither ginger nor Irish on this day (self.Showerthoughts)
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1195 comments
46661 My ability to admit I was wrong is largely determined by the attitude of the person I'm arguing with (self.Showerthoughts)
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1261 comments
30166 When I get a paycheck I don't really feel anything, when I find 5 dollars in my jacket pocket I feel like I just won the lottery. (self.Showerthoughts)
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652 comments
33653 NSFW Mastrubating to your SO is as loyal as a relationship goes (self.Showerthoughts)
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2818 comments
30088 At one point, the richest man on the planet just had more berries 'n shit than the others. (self.Showerthoughts)
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883 comments
32604 We make fun of people Instagramming their food, but lest we forget that, during the Renaissance, lots of artists were just painting bowls of fruit. (self.Showerthoughts)
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738 comments
10373 I thought I was hilarious until I started using the internet and saw millions of people funnier than me. (self.Showerthoughts)
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291 comments
7956 Growing up, I always thought that the "not if I see you first" response to "I'll see you later" was rather innocuous. Only in recent years have I realized it meant that if they saw me first, they'd run away to avoid having to deal with me. (self.Showerthoughts)
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328 comments
12769 Empty cop cars are basically just scarecrows for people. (self.Showerthoughts)
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311 comments
30473 If a girl says "my girlfriend" she could be talking about a friend or her SO. If a guy says "my boyfriend" he's almost definitely talking about his SO (self.Showerthoughts)
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1633 comments
13865 When stopping for fast food, my decision on where to stop is strongly based on whether or not I have to turn left into the place. (self.Showerthoughts)
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601 comments
22242 I've been so used to feeling depressed that being happy for long periods of time makes me uncomfortable (self.Showerthoughts)
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1051 comments
6149 Usually if I'm staring at a stranger it's because I find them really attractive, but it someone stares at me I always assume there is food on my face (self.Showerthoughts)
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128 comments
4093 Going to a strip club when horny, throwing dollars at strippers, and going home alone is the same as going to the grocery store when hungry and throwing money at food and leaving still hungry. (self.Showerthoughts)
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179 comments
7189 Despite doing good things, Spiderman being disliked by his city is like a metaphor for spiders eating flies but still being hated by humans. (self.Showerthoughts)
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111 comments
14642 Pretending to be sober in public is like doing your best impression of yourself. (self.Showerthoughts)
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576 comments
13304 The smell of hot popcorn is the only thing that makes me forget that everytime I eat popcorn a kernel shell gets stuck in my gum and I swear I'll never eat popcorn again. (self.Showerthoughts)
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393 comments
22045 Google is like a cool landlord who lets you stay rent free, but you know that when you're gone he goes in your room and sniffs your panties. (self.Showerthoughts)
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736 comments
3066 Your future spouse is currently walking around making memories that they'll tell you about someday. (self.Showerthoughts)
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166 comments
3768 Spiders' body produce supplies needed to build its home, in order for humans to do this, they would literally have to shit bricks. (self.Showerthoughts)
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86 comments
3640 "Yo Mama" jokes were kind of like nuclear weapons: The first ones were devastating, so everyone started stockpiling them until the consensus was they shouldn't be used anymore (self.Showerthoughts)
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105 comments
6720 I order from 5 different pizza places not because I like them all equally, but because I don't want any of them to know how often I order pizza. (self.Showerthoughts)
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314 comments
10310 In my 22 years of experience as a guy, urinating in nature is always far more satisfying than urinating into a toilet. (self.Showerthoughts)
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718 comments
8925 I can go a whole day without eating and not even notice, but if the doctor asks me to fast for 12h before an exam, my brain thinks I'm starving to death (self.Showerthoughts)
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232 comments
2060 If I buy a tablet and load it with all of the information I can find on space travel and astronomy. I would basically have a real life Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy. (self.Showerthoughts)
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72 comments
2874 People pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground (self.Showerthoughts)
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37 comments
3221 Lego Batman should've just rebuilt his parents. (self.Showerthoughts)
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64 comments
4301 'Acting professionally' simply means putting up with other people's sh!t in a situation where you would normally stand up for yourself (self.Showerthoughts)
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189 comments
8642 People's blood types should be displayed in their Driver License (self.Showerthoughts)
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775 comments
4954 My parents always tell me to stop wasting money on video games. But they have really expensive plates that are never used. (self.Showerthoughts)
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256 comments
2012 Maybe trees are farming us. Giving us oxygen so we grow nice and big, then finally die and decompose to make food for them. (self.Showerthoughts)
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76 comments
2038 As a kid, I always found it annoying when adults would ask my parents about me instead of asking me directly. As an adult, I realized it's creepy to walk up to a family and address the child first. (self.Showerthoughts)
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53 comments
2649 Trees are farming us. They give us oxygen so we grow nice and big, them we finally die, decompose and make food for them. (self.Showerthoughts)
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116 comments
3303 We don't have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don't trust us enough to keep ourselves alive. (self.Showerthoughts)
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87 comments
6771 No matter the background, it seems like every child has instinctively played "The Floor is Lava" and "Don't Let the Balloon Touch the Floor". (self.Showerthoughts)
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447 comments
4426 I've never seen anyone casually cough in movies. It's almost always related to lung cancer. (self.Showerthoughts)
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253 comments
1874 Sometimes I just wish I was a golden retriever in an upper class family. (self.Showerthoughts)
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68 comments
1803 I have never been to China or India but about 75 percent of my possessions have. (self.Showerthoughts)
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21 comments
2326 People seem to think terraforming Mars is a viable idea but can't accept we might have changed Earths temperature a few degrees. (self.Showerthoughts)
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113 comments
2061 I'm never downloading games like mobile strike because of how annoying their ads get while I'm playing actual fun games (self.Showerthoughts)
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76 comments
6435 Gaming profiles should be stored in controllers now. That way when you go to a friends house you don't have to worry about setting up a new profile and fine tuning the settings. (self.Showerthoughts)
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332 comments
3085 I always wonder if random people in public check me out as often as I check them out or if I'm just unusually pervy. (self.Showerthoughts)
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236 comments
1777 Today is the 17th day of the third month of the 17th year of the third Millenium (self.Showerthoughts)
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79 comments
1658 It's considered a compliment when women throw their undergarments at artists but if i threw my worn boxers at Katy Perry, I'd probably be arrested. (self.Showerthoughts)
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82 comments
2041 Our bodies are surprisingly quiet condisering all the work it's constantly doing (self.Showerthoughts)
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110 comments
1581 As a Florida man, I'm proud of the fact I've never done anything newsworthy. (self.Showerthoughts)
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51 comments
6115 Drug resistant bacteria are like that hero in action movies who witnessed their entire family get murdered before their eyes, has now grown up, become extremely deadly, and wants revenge against us (self.Showerthoughts)
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83 comments
1899 Why are gorillas so ripped, they sit around all day doing fuck all. (self.Showerthoughts)
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196 comments
1456 The people that comment on porn scare me. (self.Showerthoughts)
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134 comments
1345 The fact that my 1.5yo has hit me in the face in temper/out of excitement more times than I can count makes me wonder how Johnathan and Martha Kent never had their faces caved in by a baby Superman. (self.Showerthoughts)
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57 comments
1967 Instead of having crappy toilet paper in public restrooms, toilet paper companies should put their products there for advertisements (self.Showerthoughts)
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49 comments
1120 When a teacher provides an exam and a majority of the class fails, the teacher has failed as well. (self.Showerthoughts)
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104 comments
3340 I know with 100% certainty that I have a finite amount of time on this Earth and I will die, yet I sit here reading reposts. (self.Showerthoughts)
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292 comments
1760 Of all the footage of New York, not once have I seen a gas station (self.Showerthoughts)
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137 comments
1202 Anyone who talks about "the luck of the Irish" doesn't know much about Irish history... (self.Showerthoughts)
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67 comments
1343 Every time a nerd explains why he hates The Big Bang Theory because it's "not an accurate depiction of nerds", he sounds exactly like the characters on the show (self.Showerthoughts)
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151 comments
1959 I bet dinosaurs were like dogs. The big ones were dopey and chill. It's the tiny ones who are snappy little bitches. (self.Showerthoughts)
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46 comments
1004 Phones should have a shuffle setting for alarm ringtones so you don't get too used to your alarm (self.Showerthoughts)
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50 comments
2986 Id rather work with someone who is an ass but a a great worker, than someone‚Äč cool that sucks at work. (self.Showerthoughts)
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271 comments
1401 If I go to the movies then I shouldn't have to sit through any commercials. I already paid for my ticket. (self.Showerthoughts)
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191 comments
1116 As an introvert, living alone was the best decision I made. As a depressed person, living alone was the worst decision I made. (self.Showerthoughts)
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39 comments
1254 I dont care how many people die in a film as long as the dog survives (self.Showerthoughts)
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89 comments
1896 Vine, a company made to keep the attention of people for 7 seconds, failed because it couldn't keep the attention of it's audience. (self.Showerthoughts)
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92 comments
750 "Raw Toast" is a cooler way to say "Bread" (self.Showerthoughts)
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52 comments
2942 Having a pet is weird, we just pick an animal we can't communicate with and make it live with us (self.Showerthoughts)
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143 comments
1111 If the CIA is truly remotely watching us through our phone cameras, then on a server somewhere is a ton of hours of compiled video footage of us redditing on the toilet. (self.Showerthoughts)
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75 comments
1026 Start using "At the turn of the century" when describing something that happened to you around 1999/2000 (self.Showerthoughts)
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74 comments
1222 I realized what my anxiety actually is. It's my brain coming up with Fake News. (self.Showerthoughts)
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23 comments
1657 Whenever I use the bathroom at someone else's house and I see that the toilet paper is put in the opposite to how I do it I briefly consider changing it around before telling myself "No. Some people choose to live this way". (self.Showerthoughts)
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82 comments
671 Whenever friends say "I wish I could've lived in the ancient/medieval times to see what it was like", as a person of colour I always think to myself "Nah, I'm good" (self.Showerthoughts)
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114 comments
2298 If humans could smell the rising CO2 level in the atmosphere, there would be more support to stop it. (self.Showerthoughts)
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67 comments
926 It's crazy that something like a Wal-Mart gift card is printed on plastic, but my social security card is printed on the flimsiest piece of paper I've ever handled. (self.Showerthoughts)
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58 comments
839 When I'm camping, I don't mind using a random stick from the ground as a marshmallow roasting skewer. But when I find an actual skewer on the ground I'm hesitant to use it because "it might be a little dirty". (self.Showerthoughts)
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50 comments
1007 I am more careful with money in gaming than in real life (self.Showerthoughts)
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28 comments
1652 If there is an alternate universe for every possibility, then there is a universe where alternate universes don't exist. And we exist so we have to live in that universe. Therefore there are no alternate universes. (self.Showerthoughts)
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182 comments
605 Whenever people say "I enjoy all kinds of music," they usually don't like country music. (self.Showerthoughts)
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175 comments
1469 The skeleton isn't inside us, we're the brain so we're inside the skeleton (self.Showerthoughts)
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104 comments
743 As a person who struggles with depression, I find it to be life's ultimate irony that my blood type is B-positive. (self.Showerthoughts)
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29 comments
824 Journalist and Fact-Checker really shouldn't be separate jobs. (self.Showerthoughts)
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20 comments
867 Google searches that give business hours are the biggest unsung conveniences on the internet. (self.Showerthoughts)
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41 comments
1633 The GPS voice should get excited the closer you get to your destination on a road trip. (self.Showerthoughts)
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68 comments
543 Apps that don't show you the time are like casinos that don't have windows. (self.Showerthoughts)
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6 comments
1373 Porn is the only job were having 20+ years experience is no longer a good thing. (self.Showerthoughts)
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86 comments
716 Neither cough, rough, though and through rhyme, but pony and bologna do. (self.Showerthoughts)
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43 comments
708 There are two kinds/breeds of millennials: those who have used 5in floppy disks and those who didn't. Let's not pretend there isn't a cultural difference between them (self.Showerthoughts)
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123 comments
682 If the Kents found Superman in modern times, they'd have to pretend to be anti-vaxxers to hide Clark's 'abilities' because no needle would penetrate his skin..... (self.Showerthoughts)
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27 comments
1526 Mitch Hedberg's standup routine is made up entirely of thoughts that belong in this sub. (self.Showerthoughts)
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109 comments
513 When you have one object, the object is singular, but when you have zero objects, the object is plural. (self.Showerthoughts)
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70 comments
1323 When I'm out walking in the rain and I see someone with an umbrella I think, "They've really got their shit together" (self.Showerthoughts)
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50 comments
675 Every time someone tells me I am good at computers they are about to ask me to do something that requires lots of time and no computer skill (self.Showerthoughts)
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37 comments
700 Procrastinators can do 30 mins of work in 9 hours and 9 hours of work in 30 mins (self.Showerthoughts)
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28 comments
632 In a timespan of just 100 years from now, 7 billion humans will slowly be replaced (self.Showerthoughts)
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37 comments
1401 They should combine Old people homes with child day care centres and animal shelter/petting zoo's. This way the old people have company, can watch the children and they can play with the animals. And they can all shit anywhere. (self.Showerthoughts)
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55 comments
488 Based on genitalia alone, pants would make a lot more sense for women, and skirts/dresses for men. (self.Showerthoughts)
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53 comments
1197 I've used the letter x more in math than I ever have in English (self.Showerthoughts)
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50 comments
544 The concept of dancing is fucking weird. "When I hear certain sounds I want to flail my body around and rub up against other people." (self.Showerthoughts)
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44 comments
586 I would be much more motivated to fulfill my duties if they were automatically written, updated and completed in a "questbook". (self.Showerthoughts)
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32 comments
598 A huge part of being "smart" is just having a good memory (self.Showerthoughts)
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62 comments
1216 If you work at the morgue, when you die, you still have to go to work. (self.Showerthoughts)
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30 comments
485 When I was a kid I would be on high alert to never get fooled on April 1st. As an adult, there's a lot I hope will be revealed to be a joke on April 1st. (self.Showerthoughts)
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15 comments
911 Final Fantasy sure has a lot of sequels for a game with "Final" in the title (self.Showerthoughts)
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53 comments
494 Just realized how much it annoys me when anthem singers add their own personal touch to anthems at sports games by singing it a bit differently than it ought to be sung. (self.Showerthoughts)
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35 comments
448 My wife would probably be more weirded out if she caught me masturbating to a picture of her than to some porn. (self.Showerthoughts)
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31 comments
482 They should let one normal person compete beside Olympians so that we can see in real time how good they really are. (self.Showerthoughts)
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25 comments
1145 There should be a superhero TV show where the superhero is a main character, but his secret identity isn't, so you have to try and figure it out. (self.Showerthoughts)
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108 comments
476 I feel like YOLO is more of a reason NOT to do risky/stupid shit (self.Showerthoughts)
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27 comments
649 What if whenever you cracked your knuckles, your fingers started to glow like glow sticks (self.Showerthoughts)
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34 comments
453 Whenever a redditor comments using stereotypical "black thug" slang, I immediately assume they're a white teenager. (self.Showerthoughts)
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37 comments
435 A spider's body produces the supplies needed to build it's home. For a human to do this, it would have to literally shit bricks. (self.Showerthoughts)
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8 comments
454 Whoever keeps designing laundry baskets to be the exact width of a standard bedroom door frame without enough room for a hand on each side should be fired. (self.Showerthoughts)
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20 comments
722 When a comapny that keeps sending me emails has a complicated unsubscribe process where I have to find hidden links and answer questions, I promise myself to never, ever shop there or use their product.. (self.Showerthoughts)
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43 comments
448 There should be subs for everyday of the year so we can see how many of us have the same birthday and it would feel like a little party (self.Showerthoughts)
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30 comments
612 If you get a bigger bathtub, you have less bathroom, but more bath room. (self.Showerthoughts)
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23 comments
446 When I buy wet food for my dog, I realize I tend to buy the flavors that sound the most appetizing to me at that moment. (self.Showerthoughts)
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22 comments
412 I wish I could store up wifi like a battery and use it throughout the day. (self.Showerthoughts)
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43 comments
431 Smoking is good for the environment because it kills humans. (self.Showerthoughts)
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27 comments
666 If weed is the Devil's lettuce imagine what all his other vegetables are like. (self.Showerthoughts)
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50 comments
414 When the Olsen twins see Full House clips, I wonder if they can tell who's playing Michelle. (self.Showerthoughts)
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26 comments
501 I appreciate it if you try to avoid cursing or whatever around my child, but what I really want to you stop saying is really the horrible shit like "candy" and "Disneyland." (self.Showerthoughts)
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28 comments
446 Toilets should have a pedal near the floor for flushing. (self.Showerthoughts)
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40 comments